| so. i dont know where to start. but i guess ill just dive in.
well about 40 hours ago, my grandpa's heart gave out. after several pacemakers, and many tense moments, it was all over. 86 years of a good life, 59 years of a beautiful marriage, and a numerous amount of memories, i would have to say is something to be thankful for.
an-kong, you had few wants in life: to worship Jesus, to be surrounded by your loving family, and to be enjoy music. well, God was good, allowing these small pleasures. whenever we talked on the phone, or saw each other, you just wanted to hear us play our respective instruments, even if it didnt sound that good it was perfect to you and amma. i remember i was shy sometimes, not wanting to play for you and the family; i regret that because now i would play music for hours just for you to hear, and for however long you wanted. and then you and amma would love to sing hymns with everyone. there are songs that i cannot sing without thinking of you; among them are Give Thanks, Oh How He Loves You and Me, and Jesus Loves Me, the songs of your 50th wedding anniversary, a ceremony in which i was blessed to share with you. and just to be with the family; i remember as the years progressed, you would be so happy to see the whole family there together, even if it was only a week or two before our unit had to go back to new york. oh to have those times again.
i remember, all those summers when you and amma would come here to spend a few months with us here in rochester. we lived 3,000 miles away from you, and i know it must have been hard. but those summers were the best. the walks to wegmans, and then later 7-eleven to get our daily exercise, and to buy the daily newspaper. and then when we got there, me and my sisters were allowed to get $1's worth of candy. but little did i know, that the small joy of $1 would later on become priceless. Then, after a while, the airplane trips became too hard for you, your doctor wouldnt allow it; so instead, our family made that trip out to the west coast to see you, and it was great because then we could see all of the family.
as the years progressed, you walked slower, and with more difficulty. however, maybe this was a blessing because it gave your children and grandchildren more time to spend with you as we walked with you to wherever our destination was, be it a trip to a museum, church on sunday morning, or one of the times you treated us to dim sum-something you loved to do. you had a frail body, but now i know that you have a new one, a strong one, and an able one. From the way that you lived your life, it was easy to see that family was central in your life, second only to God. this wasnt something that i always understood, but as i am living my life, it is more and more clear to me why family is so important.
i dont know how i am going to get through this, and every part of me is dreading...well, everything. there have been those scary moments, like when i knocked you down and felt like the most terrible person in the world, but there have been great loving ones as well, and i will never forget any of it. Thanks for being such a great example, and for all the time that we were able to spend together. i will see you again one day, where you will be dancing with the angels, with your new body...save me a spot, i love you.
i feel bad dividing this entry, but its all connected together. im sorry its taking me so long to write this too, cause ive been in denial.
Aunty Susan: You have always been a loving mother, and a good role model for your daughters, raising them to be something any parent would be proud of. i dont know if its taboo to talk about this, but i remember how hard it was for your whole family when your husband died; but i also remember admiring your strength to pull through it. also, although its trivial, you were a great cook and im grateful for all those times that you opened up your house to us, making memories.
Diana: The thing i remember most about you is how kind and gentle you were. this of course, was on top of being loving, selfless, and unbelievably cute. even though you were the typical sister, getting christina in trouble, you also had an extremely loving relationship with her...even though you were 5 years younger than me, you have been an example. just seeing the relationship you had with christina helped me to have a better relationship with my own sisters.
Christina: oh so fashionable christina. im so glad that we became closer this year. before this, you were just jess's really good friend, but someone that i didnt know all that well, and diana was just jill's friend that i also didnt know that well. but you always had that sunny smile on your face. no matter what. i think thats part of why im having so much trouble with this, because i can't imagine anything bad ever happening to you because you always seemed so happy. you were always so nice to people, and not just your friends, but everyone. and dont worry it wasnt in a way that was so perfect it was irritating, no it was just you.
as for me...this has been affecting me in a way that seems different from anyone else. so far, ive mostly just been numb to all that's been happening these past few days. i found out about the wangs on wednesday night...well it was a little past midnight so if you want to argue, it was thursday. but i was still one of the first to hear, and i felt really bad. i mean, there are plenty of more people who were closer to them than i was...didnt they deserve to hear first? and then when i did find out, i couldnt even cry properly. uncle tony said it was ok to feel numb, but still. so i did all that i could, and i comforted those around me, those who were really close to christina. even up until 4AM i stayed with them...and still the tears didnt come. as im writing this, i still feel ashamed...i feel so heartless and cold...distant and in general horrible. the next day, when everyone else found out, there was again another cry-fest...and i shed a few tears, but it hardly seemed enough. i mean, i could feel this pain deep inside, but somehow i coudlnt express it. my coping mechanism is to simply not think about the big thing...to concentrate on little things, and throw myself into activities just so i wont have to think and deal with life. but it seems disrespectful to do that...i just feel like a selfish little girl who never thinks of others the way i want people to think of me...and ive been thinking is this really how i want to be remembered? i mean, everyone knew the wangs as these people who were almost perpetually happy, and i know they've had their share of sorrow in their life...they could easily become nope, self-centered people...and instead they did just the opposite. but anyways...there i go again, thinking about myself, and how others potentially view me. i feel regret...for not taking the time to get to know the wangs better, while they were so in reach. but this family was special. these deaths have caused me to think a lot. and then, just a few days later, the sad news about an-kong came...and i just wouldnt allow mysefl to feel anything. i keep tryin to think about how im going to be able to handle all of this, to be able to keep my life in balance...and i feel like theres something deep inside of me, something painful...and its fighting to break out, but i keep suppressing it. i feel like i dont deserve to live...i mean, what do i have to give to the world? certaintly not more than anyone else. i dont know what to do...but im grateful for everyone who has been there to greive with, everyone who understands...or at least tries to understand. thankful for everyone who has been there...and i wonder, just what is my life all about anyways.
so thanks for the time that we could spend together, even though it was short...it taught me a lot. i will see you all again someday.
Love,
Jenn |
